Game of Love

Crimson eyes stared past the cliff’s steep edge as wind blew ebony locks of hair into Vincent’s pale face. The setting sun painted the landscape various golds, reds, and violets, making the view more gorgeous than it already was. A single tear slipped down his face, and his scarlet eyes showed more emotion than he had ever allowed anyone to see. It didn’t matter to him anymore, however. Sinking into a depression too deep for the man to get out himself, a depression led by his past, Vincent felt that the only way to atone for his “sins” was to rid the planet of himself. More tears followed that single tear, and Vincent wept, thinking of Lucrecia, and how she betrayed him by going after Hojo. He thought about the cruel experiments that Hojo had performed on him some thirty-odd years ago, and Vincent thought how he felt so selfish for sleeping for thirty years while Sephiroth, his love’s son, slowly began to plot his reign over the Planet. Then Vincent thought of the battle at Northern Crater, and Sephiroth’s ultimate demise, and he had remembered watching as Cloud wished to stay at that place of Sephiroth’s, and Vincent saw the sadness in the boy’s eyes, and had known that there was something between the two. Vincent blamed himself for Cloud’s sadness, and could do nothing for the young swordsman.

        Vincent took one last look at the last, fading rays of the sun, and took a deep breath. Vincent, although about to commit the only true sin in his life, did not wish to fall from the cliff, as the demons in his head would surely prevent his death. Instead, a bullet to the head, maybe several, sounded more reassuring of the promise of death. Pulling out Death Penalty, Vincent stared at the weapon in aw. The gun had saved his life several times in the battle against Sephiroth, and found it ironic that it would be this weapon to take his life.

        He readied the pistol, putting it to his temple, but Vincent hesitated before pulling the trigger as Chaos spoke up.

        -Do you really believe,- There was a defiant sneer in the demon's voice. "That a single bullet will kill you, let alone several, Valentine?" Vincent shut his eyes, trying to dam the oncoming tears. "Shut up." Vincent's voice was just above a whisper.

        Chaos just laughed. -You'll bring yourself more pain, and wound that will heal, Valentine.- Another laugh, but more defiant this time. -You cannot escape, Valentine. You've tried so may times, and have failed.- It was getting harder and harder for Vincent to hold back the tears.

        -Slit wrists...-

        "Stop..." Vincent was beginning to beg.

        -Cut your own throat..."

        "Please, just stop..." Vincent begged again, the first of many tears slipping down his face.

        -You even tried to drown yourself in the bathtub at Costa De Sol. Every time was a failure, Valentine. Why should this attempt any different?" Chaos laughed at Vincent one last time before returning back into the darkness of Vincent should, conversing with the other demons and proud of the reaction that he had gotten from Vincent.

        Vincent feel to his knees, dropping Death Penalty, and his claw arm gripped the ground. His tears formed small puddles on the clay as his face slowly sank to the ground. "I can't escape..." he whispered, almost choking on his tears.

        The sun had just faded below the horizon, but Vincent did not notice. He refused to notice. Vincent felt that he had no need to get up from his spot. The world didn't need him, he thought. Vincent did even notice as the Tiny Bronco passed over head and returned a few minutes later, landing just several hundred yards from Vincent.

        "I'm alone..." Vincent could not tell if he actually said the words or not. "I'm so alone." A callused, yet gentle hand brushed several strands of ebony hair out of Vincent's scarlet eyes, and he jumped, his eyes meeting with sky-blue ones. "Highwind?" Once again, Vincent's voice was barely a whisper. Cid Highwind ran his hand through the soft, raven locks of hair, his eyes full of worry.

        "Fuck, Vince, what the hell is wrong?" Despite the cussing, Cid 's voice was gentle. It startled Vincent, as he could never see a gentle voice fitting the man. It calmed Vincent, but did not save him from his depression. "Go away, Highwind. What does it matter what happens to a monster like me?" Vincent said before becoming silent again.

        Cid growled, frustrated, lifting Vincent by the collar of the crimson red cloak, shaking the older man, Cid's voice becoming harsh. "First off, you are not a fucking monster." What happened next shocked Vincent; Cid wrapped his arms , tightly, around Vincent's thin waist, holding the ebony haired man protectively. "Second- You matter so fucking much to me, Vincent." Cid's voice became gentle again. Vincent continued to cry, and he managed to choke on small word. "Why?"

        Cid looked into the watery, scarlet eyes, tilting Vincent's face by the chin and closed the space between the two until there was less than an inch's space between the two. "Why the fuck would I decide to try and learn more about you? You're fucking gorgeous, Vince. I wish I had fucking said this before you attempted to take drastic measures." Cid noted Death Penalty on the ground. "But I am fucking glad I still have the chance." Vincent's eyes grew wide with Cid's next words.

        "I love you, Vincent."

        Cid pressed his lips gently onto Vincent's own. Vincent stared at Cid, not knowing what to make of the situation. Vincent was scared, remembering all the times with Hojo, and how the insane scientist had forced Vincent to kiss him. The scientist had forced his tongue down the ex-Turk's throat. Once, Hojo had almost raped Vincent, and if it weren't for the fact that the scientists had been interrupted by a colleague, Hojo would have succeaded in breaking the ex-Turk. But this was different. Cid seemed to be asking for Vincent to respond, not forcing. Finally giving in, Vincent returned the kiss, his eyes closing. The kiss lasted only several moments, but it seemed like forever, and when the two parted, Vincent felt a sudden pang of guilt. He pushed away from Cid, and began to cry again.

        "Leave me, Highwind..." Vincent's ebony locks fell into his face as he reached for Death Penalty. His hand that held the gun was shaking, a mixture of fear, depression, and anger: anger at Hojo, anger at Lucrecia, anger at Sephiroth, and, above all, anger at himself. Vincent's next words were said with extreme harshness. "I do not belong in this world. Just let me fade away." Death Penalty was once again at his temple.

        Cid reacted upon instinct to save the one he loved. He tackled Vincent, pinning frail wrists to the ground, and forced Vincent to give up the gun, then threw to the side, away from Vincent's reach. Vincent continued to cry. His hope to die was gone before he had picked up Death Penalty a second time. However, he was just desperate to be left alone, and all he did was draw more attention to himself.

        Cid slapped Vincent, hoping the ex-Turk would snap out of it. "Fuck, Vincent, why can't you fuckin' see that I fuckin' love you?!" He yelled. Vincent looked at Cid, stunned, and hurt, and the tears did not stop. Vincent could not respond to Cid, and he really had nothing to say.

        "Fuck, Vincent. I fucking hate it when you cry. I feel," Cid scooped Vincent up into strong arms, holding on protectively. Vincent did not struggle in the embrace, beginning to feel worthless. "I feel as if though I fucking cannot do anything for you." Cid stroked Vincent's ebony hair, rocking back and fourth gently, and whispering calming chants into the older man's ear. "I love you, Vincent. I love you... I love you..."

        Vincent's sobs slowed, and then stopped, and Cid listened as Vincent's breathing slowed and became rythematic. 'Thank the gods... Just sleep, love.' Cid thought, cradling Vincent. 'I'll help somehow, but for now, just sleep.'

        Vincent's only reply to Cid's thoughts was a small sigh.

VINCENT'S POV

Does he love me? That first night he came to me, he said so. He made sure that I lived. Does it make me less human to be loved by this man. Does it make me less human to be loved by another man?

        I don't know. Every day, no, every waking moment since Cid confessed his love to me, he makes sure that I'm okay, that I'm breathing. I need to know; how can anyone love someone like me? I am a monster. I am the cause for Lucrecia's death. If I had just made her understand how much I loved her, maybe I could have saved her from that bastard Hojo.

        But she did not love me back. Did I truly love her? I am torn apart by the memories of the woman I thought I loved, and failed, and the man I know I love.

        I have never before been held like the way Cid holds me now. I feel... different inside. Maybe I cannot understand what it is to be loved by another.

        Does that make me less human? Does it make me more of the monster I have become?

        Cid begged with me not to attempt suicide again the night after he had found me. We had just gotten a hotel room, as Cid did not have camping supplies. I didn't listen. He had to go out for something. What it was, I did not care. I took that time, while he was gone, to slit my wrists. It was no use, like always. The only thing I truly accomplished was losing consciousness. I woke up to Cid begging me to wake, pressing a slightly damp cloth-probably all that he could find-onto the already healed wound. The most I could do was fake a small reassuring smile while he carried me to the bed, bandaging the wounds, and stroking my raven hair.

        I had tried to will myself to sleep, but all I could do was feel guilty. Did I have the right to take away what this man loves most? I thought it was a game, at first, and I had decided to play along after my self-mutilation.

        He loves me, Cid does. I just cannot comprehend that, however. No one has ever showed me this much attention in my life, not even my own parents. I am not worthy of this man, or his love. He trusts me so much more than he should. I will end up hurting him, or maybe I won't be able to control the demons inside of me. Chaos temps me into killing Cid. Or myself.

        What right do I have for the love this man gives me? I have sinned so much...

        I'm crying now, in a corner of the hotel, between the bed and the wall. Maybe Cid won't see me here. Maybe he won't notice. But that is not how the man is. He will hear me, rush up to me, and try and comfort me. He'll cradle me until the tears stop. He tries hard not make me feel even more depressed. He never makes me feel depressed.

        He loves me.

        Do I love him? Can I love him?

        -Play along with his game. I will enjoy the pain on your face when he hurts you.- Chaos once said. I don't remember my reaction, but it was one that had shocked Cid.

        Chaos is right, however. Cid will leave me. I cannot die by natural means, but Cid can, and when he dies, I will once again be alone. I know now that it is not time for me to end my life. Not yet. When Cid and I are separated by death, I will then end my life to be with him in the promised land. For now, I will play this game of love, and maybe it can make me be human once more.

        Of course, I am a monster, and monsters like me can never be human.